I think I'm finally genuinely happy here.

Granted, my first few weeks in Searcy were rough. After everything that happened at home and everything I didn't accomplish, a huge amount of stress and unsettled emotions weighed down on my back. I mean, I got physically ill when I went to leave. We had to stop on the New Jersey Turnpike so I could clean up after dryheaving in the car. Gross, I know, but that's how much the stress and emotional baggage had affected me.

The initial grieving process and depression set in about the time my mom left me to fend for myself and be a big girl. That was rough. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to pack up, grab Sean, and leave. But I got through. Sean wasn't working yet and let me cry on him quite a bit. Jennifer was good when Sean couldn't handle it anymore.

But then Jennifer left. And Sean would work nights for days on end. Including weekends when I had nothing to do. By then, JD had joined me and it wasn't so lonely anymore. But a cat just doesn't give you the feedback that another human being who cares about you does. I really thought that people coming back from Harding would help. That those people would even try to communicate with me once in a while. But really, they didn't. An occassional internet message or a phone call to ask something. Being in Searcy, but not a Harding student is a totally different world. And as much as I wanted people to call, I realized that I wanted people I didn't know.

Really, I still don't know them. It's very, very hard to be friends with people not in a relationship. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to blame anyone. But you have to admit, it is. From both sides. In the end, you forsake one in order to please the other. So either the friendship starts to deteriorate because you're trying to develop your relationship with the significant other, or the relationship gets taken for granted because you're too worried about what your friends think and trying to make them happy. It's a very fine line to walk and you end up having to fall on one side or the other.

The funny thing is, it's even harder to find people in a relationship who plan to stay in Searcy on a longer term to make some kind of lasting friendship with. It seems like everyone's either still in college, too old, or in a clique (generally because of the former two reasons). The middle reason can probably be overcome in a year or two after we look a little less like college students. But, Searcy's not long term. Neither of us want a family in Searcy. Thus, by the time one comes about, we'll be ready to look for greener pastures.

But really, this whole thing wasn't to complain. Rather, it's to explain the kind of depression I've been in for the last few months. At one point, I think I reached the lowest I've been for sometime. Because I've been so lonely, I've expected Sean to be the perfect friend and fiance all at once. But with a (basically full-time) job, school, social life, planning the wedding, and trying to deal with me, I could tell he just didn't know what to do with me anymore. And what I was doing wasn't fair to anyone, especially someone with that much on their plate.

So after a few words exchanged, I decided to make a change.

I decided that I was going to start going to the gym. That at least if I was doing something for my body to look and feel a little better, the least I can do is that. And then I started yoga classes at work. And really, after all of this, I haven't lost anything. But I'm doing something about something making me unhappy. And that in return makes me happy.

So I'm happy. I'm lonely enough, but at least I'm more at ease with it.