Dreams really do give you something to think about...

I just woke up. But I can't get this dream out of my head.

For some reason, the dream was set back to graduation in highschool. And for some reason we were getting diplomas in my house (but I digress, this is not the meet of the story). There were a group of people laughing and carrying on near the line where I joined after I got my diploma.

They were all laughing about Bobby. A kid that went through schooling in our school system, but didn't graduate through it.

The entire time, they just sat there and made of the kid. Yes, he was socially awkward. Yes, he had a slightly delayed fashion sense. Yes, his interests were kind of dorky. Sometimes he was inappropriately loud and sometimes he just repeated stuff that he didn't really understand the content of. But this was not the defining characteristic of this kid.

Bobby smiled all of the time.

And that's what they were mainly making fun of him for. The fact that a kid was happy enough that he could smile all the time, and the rest of us couldn't understand it. But I guess that's what everyone does. If you don't understand it, you make fun of them or get angry at them. At least we chose the former rather than the later. Physical violence would've taken away his smile.

In the dream I yelled at them. I told them they were horrible. That they could push away such a happy guy and take away his smile because they were so mean.

I wish I could say I did that in real life. I probably barely noticed that he was gone. But I remember making fun of him. And I also remember doing nothing about it.

Just something to think about.

The ladies at work are planning a bridal shower for me.

I think this is the closest thing to clearing away my loneliness that I've had in a long time. People are getting excited for attending a shower for me and my wedding. It had been really depressing because Sean and I both felt like nobody was excited about our wedding but us. Including our parents. (Sidenote: we know they are, but deep down they're sad because their child is leaving them to start their own family--that has to be sad...)

Also the fact that my church family is flying me home for a bridal shower there. I really felt like they didn't care when they wanted me to fly home on my own accord again to go to a shower. That hurt my feelings a lot. But I think one person realized that it wasn't right and insisted that they fly me home. I don't even care if I don't get as many presents, because it means the world to me that they started to care enough to get me there.

I still feel friendless.

Part of it I know could be my own fault. I spend most of my free time with Sean when I can. I feel like I barely get to see him as is, which makes it hard. He is my number one person in my life now so he takes priority. Which I think is only fair. Granted, I shouldn't neglect any other relationships. My struggle is, because of my bond with Sean, I feel like I've been treated like the ugly stepchild. Maybe that's not fair. But I feel like I've gone out of my way sometimes only to be used, stepped on, or had the person only take care of themself.

I know people care. Everyone's cared about by someone. But I feel like that number has shrunk.

Leaving Searcy won't solve everything. If anything, it might be more difficult. Because then neither of us will have a basis. But being able to establish ourselves as a couple might be easier in finding friends that are also in a similar situation. Granted, this probably won't come for a year or two. Neither of us enjoy moving. And the next move will be permanent. It'll be to a place where Sean and I could raise a family. So this is something we're not planning on taking lightly or rushing into.

But back to work. I just need to clear my head in order to get my mind back into what i'm doing.