“I don’t know how to live in a world where my Dad isn’t.”
--George O'Malley
It's hard. It's so weird. But I've made a year. Well, almost.
Well, let's just say, I shouldn't of watched Grey's Anatomy tonight.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
When it rains, it pours....
May has become a bad month for me.
It wasn’t always. Growing up, it was finally sunny again and not too hot. We spent more days outside playing and summer was always right around the corner which meant I got to spend my days with my mom when she was out of school as well. And there is still one exception: May 24. Only because that’s my best friends birthday, so that day’s okay.
There are some obvious things that cause May to be a bad month.
One year ago come May 25, is the anniversary of my dad’s death. That is what it is and brings up all kinds of bad emotions because of that. But this May 25 will be especially bad. This will mark the first night Sean and I will spend apart since we were married. So not only am I going to feel weird with Sean not coming home, but I will already be an emotional wreck due to no longer having a father.
You want to hear the kicker? It’s my first Open Enrollment. Ack. I’m already pretty bad when it comes to enrolling people in their benefits. But I’m going to be responsible for approximately 25% of the employees here. Well, maybe closer to 20%. But still! And my final shift? 5-10pm on May 25. I’m beginning to think that it must be Satan’s birthday by the amount of crappy things that culminate on that day.
But, it will give my 11 hours of overtime. That’s not so bad.
On top of everything, Jenel is leaving me tomorrow. That’s one of the most bizarre things to me. Jenel’s been around all the time with the exception of perhaps the year I started college at Harding. But we talked all the time on IM and the occasional phone call, so it was not like we had completely lost contact. And I know we won’t lose contact now. But it’s not the same just calling up and being like, “hey, let’s take a walk,” or “hey, I need to talk with someone now.” And phone calls work, but it’s not the same.
And although Sean and I have talked about moving to Virginia for years, there’s not one anywhere near where she’ll be. So, we have no idea where we’re moving (not that we know when we’ll move…), but I know it can’t be anywhere close to her. Not anytime soon at least.
So another tragedy in my life happens in May.
I think May brought showers, not flowers.
It wasn’t always. Growing up, it was finally sunny again and not too hot. We spent more days outside playing and summer was always right around the corner which meant I got to spend my days with my mom when she was out of school as well. And there is still one exception: May 24. Only because that’s my best friends birthday, so that day’s okay.
There are some obvious things that cause May to be a bad month.
One year ago come May 25, is the anniversary of my dad’s death. That is what it is and brings up all kinds of bad emotions because of that. But this May 25 will be especially bad. This will mark the first night Sean and I will spend apart since we were married. So not only am I going to feel weird with Sean not coming home, but I will already be an emotional wreck due to no longer having a father.
You want to hear the kicker? It’s my first Open Enrollment. Ack. I’m already pretty bad when it comes to enrolling people in their benefits. But I’m going to be responsible for approximately 25% of the employees here. Well, maybe closer to 20%. But still! And my final shift? 5-10pm on May 25. I’m beginning to think that it must be Satan’s birthday by the amount of crappy things that culminate on that day.
But, it will give my 11 hours of overtime. That’s not so bad.
On top of everything, Jenel is leaving me tomorrow. That’s one of the most bizarre things to me. Jenel’s been around all the time with the exception of perhaps the year I started college at Harding. But we talked all the time on IM and the occasional phone call, so it was not like we had completely lost contact. And I know we won’t lose contact now. But it’s not the same just calling up and being like, “hey, let’s take a walk,” or “hey, I need to talk with someone now.” And phone calls work, but it’s not the same.
And although Sean and I have talked about moving to Virginia for years, there’s not one anywhere near where she’ll be. So, we have no idea where we’re moving (not that we know when we’ll move…), but I know it can’t be anywhere close to her. Not anytime soon at least.
So another tragedy in my life happens in May.
I think May brought showers, not flowers.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Why I don't blog as much as I could....
I’ve always loved writing in journals.
More often than not, I’d find a beautiful journal and I’d look at it and want to fill every page with my thoughts, feelings, words of wisdom, my legacy. I always thought that one day my daughters would find it and think, “Wow. Our mother went through a LOT of what I’m going through. I had no idea.” The problem is, all of my journals are scattered around with about half or more left blank. They are in varying degrees of emotional states and maturity. To be honest, I miss being able to spill my words out on a page in my own handwriting knowing that only snopers and future generations might see it.
But I’m bad with blogs a lot.
The beauty of blogs is that you get immediate feedback from the people you choose to share it with. You crave the comments and the thoughts of other people, if they feel the same, if they’re on your side, if they can show you a different perspective. Eventually, you grow and change, away from those you originally chose to share it with. Or, you grow and change, and you no longer feel the desire to share your thoughts, feelings, and memories with people who get to know you through your blog, an image, quite frankly that can be altered and shifted due to how you craft your words.
There was one diary I had finished. It was my freshman year of high school diary. I think everyone has that one year in school that complete redefines you and changes who you are forever. That was my year. I learned what it was like to lose friends that I didn’t want to, and that it’s okay to be selective about my friends (the latter lesson I learned a little later than I wish I had). I learned that there were boys who found me attractive, and not just the gay ones either. I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think of your faith, only focus on what you believe and what you need to do with that knowledge. I learned that there were good fathers who loved their children and showed that love to me too. I learned that you shouldn’t take your parents willing to do anything for you forgranted, and because of that I’ll always remember the plate of cheese and crackers in the basement. I learned that sometimes it really is better to just remain friends even if you can’t help developing a crush on the cute Hawaiin musician, because sometimes, even if he had liked you, you would’ve been a terrible couple. I learned to not take yourself too seriously, but only to guard your heart seriously.
That diary was my life line. It wasn’t until after I had finished writing in that diary that I really had people who I could tell everything to. I was really depressed for a big portion of that school year. That was my release. I am so thankful for that journal that was filled with pages of my emotions and memories.
Last year was another year that completely changed me as a person. My life was an emotional roller coaster.
In 2006 I learned what it was like to really become an adult. I learned that your college degree is important, but sometimes it’s not as important as who you know. I learned what it was like to fail at something and not learn how to make it right. I learned what it was like to feel so completely in love that another person was the only person you thought about. I learned what it was like to completely lean on someone who wasn’t my mom, and that it was okay. I learned that a child can feel no greater loss than losing a parent that you hadn’t mended bridges with and now will never get the chance. I learned what it was like living paycheck to paycheck. I learned that your wedding day really is the happiest day of your life. I learned that giving your heart to another person completely is the most freedom you will ever feel.
But I didn’t need a journal. I had my fiance/husband. I had my best friend. I had my mom. I had my roommates. I had my club sisters. I had my choir friends. There wasn’t a secret in my life that someone didn’t know.
This blog was created not because of that. This was created because I love looking back. I love seeing how I grow. I look back on that freshman year, and I realize how small my world view was and yet how I could barely handle it. Looking back makes me realize I can move forward and not be afraid.
This blog is for me. Those I share it with are welcome to comment and ask questions. But it’s not about you. It’s about learning and growing and raw emotion. It’s about my life and what I can learn from it.
More often than not, I’d find a beautiful journal and I’d look at it and want to fill every page with my thoughts, feelings, words of wisdom, my legacy. I always thought that one day my daughters would find it and think, “Wow. Our mother went through a LOT of what I’m going through. I had no idea.” The problem is, all of my journals are scattered around with about half or more left blank. They are in varying degrees of emotional states and maturity. To be honest, I miss being able to spill my words out on a page in my own handwriting knowing that only snopers and future generations might see it.
But I’m bad with blogs a lot.
The beauty of blogs is that you get immediate feedback from the people you choose to share it with. You crave the comments and the thoughts of other people, if they feel the same, if they’re on your side, if they can show you a different perspective. Eventually, you grow and change, away from those you originally chose to share it with. Or, you grow and change, and you no longer feel the desire to share your thoughts, feelings, and memories with people who get to know you through your blog, an image, quite frankly that can be altered and shifted due to how you craft your words.
There was one diary I had finished. It was my freshman year of high school diary. I think everyone has that one year in school that complete redefines you and changes who you are forever. That was my year. I learned what it was like to lose friends that I didn’t want to, and that it’s okay to be selective about my friends (the latter lesson I learned a little later than I wish I had). I learned that there were boys who found me attractive, and not just the gay ones either. I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think of your faith, only focus on what you believe and what you need to do with that knowledge. I learned that there were good fathers who loved their children and showed that love to me too. I learned that you shouldn’t take your parents willing to do anything for you forgranted, and because of that I’ll always remember the plate of cheese and crackers in the basement. I learned that sometimes it really is better to just remain friends even if you can’t help developing a crush on the cute Hawaiin musician, because sometimes, even if he had liked you, you would’ve been a terrible couple. I learned to not take yourself too seriously, but only to guard your heart seriously.
That diary was my life line. It wasn’t until after I had finished writing in that diary that I really had people who I could tell everything to. I was really depressed for a big portion of that school year. That was my release. I am so thankful for that journal that was filled with pages of my emotions and memories.
Last year was another year that completely changed me as a person. My life was an emotional roller coaster.
In 2006 I learned what it was like to really become an adult. I learned that your college degree is important, but sometimes it’s not as important as who you know. I learned what it was like to fail at something and not learn how to make it right. I learned what it was like to feel so completely in love that another person was the only person you thought about. I learned what it was like to completely lean on someone who wasn’t my mom, and that it was okay. I learned that a child can feel no greater loss than losing a parent that you hadn’t mended bridges with and now will never get the chance. I learned what it was like living paycheck to paycheck. I learned that your wedding day really is the happiest day of your life. I learned that giving your heart to another person completely is the most freedom you will ever feel.
But I didn’t need a journal. I had my fiance/husband. I had my best friend. I had my mom. I had my roommates. I had my club sisters. I had my choir friends. There wasn’t a secret in my life that someone didn’t know.
This blog was created not because of that. This was created because I love looking back. I love seeing how I grow. I look back on that freshman year, and I realize how small my world view was and yet how I could barely handle it. Looking back makes me realize I can move forward and not be afraid.
This blog is for me. Those I share it with are welcome to comment and ask questions. But it’s not about you. It’s about learning and growing and raw emotion. It’s about my life and what I can learn from it.
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