emily's thoughts

2007-05-24T21:33:00.000-06:00

“I don’t know how to live in a world where my Dad isn’t.”

--George O'Malley

It's hard. It's so weird. But I've made a year. Well, almost.

Well, let's just say, I shouldn't of watched Grey's Anatomy tonight.

When it rains, it pours....

2007-05-15T15:02:00.000-06:00

May has become a bad month for me.

It wasn’t always. Growing up, it was finally sunny again and not too hot. We spent more days outside playing and summer was always right around the corner which meant I got to spend my days with my mom when she was out of school as well. And there is still one exception: May 24. Only because that’s my best friends birthday, so that day’s okay.

There are some obvious things that cause May to be a bad month.

One year ago come May 25, is the anniversary of my dad’s death. That is what it is and brings up all kinds of bad emotions because of that. But this May 25 will be especially bad. This will mark the first night Sean and I will spend apart since we were married. So not only am I going to feel weird with Sean not coming home, but I will already be an emotional wreck due to no longer having a father.

You want to hear the kicker? It’s my first Open Enrollment. Ack. I’m already pretty bad when it comes to enrolling people in their benefits. But I’m going to be responsible for approximately 25% of the employees here. Well, maybe closer to 20%. But still! And my final shift? 5-10pm on May 25. I’m beginning to think that it must be Satan’s birthday by the amount of crappy things that culminate on that day.

But, it will give my 11 hours of overtime. That’s not so bad.

On top of everything, Jenel is leaving me tomorrow. That’s one of the most bizarre things to me. Jenel’s been around all the time with the exception of perhaps the year I started college at Harding. But we talked all the time on IM and the occasional phone call, so it was not like we had completely lost contact. And I know we won’t lose contact now. But it’s not the same just calling up and being like, “hey, let’s take a walk,” or “hey, I need to talk with someone now.” And phone calls work, but it’s not the same.

And although Sean and I have talked about moving to Virginia for years, there’s not one anywhere near where she’ll be. So, we have no idea where we’re moving (not that we know when we’ll move…), but I know it can’t be anywhere close to her. Not anytime soon at least.

So another tragedy in my life happens in May.

I think May brought showers, not flowers.

Why I don't blog as much as I could....

2007-05-11T19:24:00.000-06:00

I’ve always loved writing in journals.

More often than not, I’d find a beautiful journal and I’d look at it and want to fill every page with my thoughts, feelings, words of wisdom, my legacy. I always thought that one day my daughters would find it and think, “Wow. Our mother went through a LOT of what I’m going through. I had no idea.” The problem is, all of my journals are scattered around with about half or more left blank. They are in varying degrees of emotional states and maturity. To be honest, I miss being able to spill my words out on a page in my own handwriting knowing that only snopers and future generations might see it.

But I’m bad with blogs a lot.

The beauty of blogs is that you get immediate feedback from the people you choose to share it with. You crave the comments and the thoughts of other people, if they feel the same, if they’re on your side, if they can show you a different perspective. Eventually, you grow and change, away from those you originally chose to share it with. Or, you grow and change, and you no longer feel the desire to share your thoughts, feelings, and memories with people who get to know you through your blog, an image, quite frankly that can be altered and shifted due to how you craft your words.

There was one diary I had finished. It was my freshman year of high school diary. I think everyone has that one year in school that complete redefines you and changes who you are forever. That was my year. I learned what it was like to lose friends that I didn’t want to, and that it’s okay to be selective about my friends (the latter lesson I learned a little later than I wish I had). I learned that there were boys who found me attractive, and not just the gay ones either. I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think of your faith, only focus on what you believe and what you need to do with that knowledge. I learned that there were good fathers who loved their children and showed that love to me too. I learned that you shouldn’t take your parents willing to do anything for you forgranted, and because of that I’ll always remember the plate of cheese and crackers in the basement. I learned that sometimes it really is better to just remain friends even if you can’t help developing a crush on the cute Hawaiin musician, because sometimes, even if he had liked you, you would’ve been a terrible couple. I learned to not take yourself too seriously, but only to guard your heart seriously.

That diary was my life line. It wasn’t until after I had finished writing in that diary that I really had people who I could tell everything to. I was really depressed for a big portion of that school year. That was my release. I am so thankful for that journal that was filled with pages of my emotions and memories.

Last year was another year that completely changed me as a person. My life was an emotional roller coaster.

In 2006 I learned what it was like to really become an adult. I learned that your college degree is important, but sometimes it’s not as important as who you know. I learned what it was like to fail at something and not learn how to make it right. I learned what it was like to feel so completely in love that another person was the only person you thought about. I learned what it was like to completely lean on someone who wasn’t my mom, and that it was okay. I learned that a child can feel no greater loss than losing a parent that you hadn’t mended bridges with and now will never get the chance. I learned what it was like living paycheck to paycheck. I learned that your wedding day really is the happiest day of your life. I learned that giving your heart to another person completely is the most freedom you will ever feel.
But I didn’t need a journal. I had my fiance/husband. I had my best friend. I had my mom. I had my roommates. I had my club sisters. I had my choir friends. There wasn’t a secret in my life that someone didn’t know.

This blog was created not because of that. This was created because I love looking back. I love seeing how I grow. I look back on that freshman year, and I realize how small my world view was and yet how I could barely handle it. Looking back makes me realize I can move forward and not be afraid.

This blog is for me. Those I share it with are welcome to comment and ask questions. But it’s not about you. It’s about learning and growing and raw emotion. It’s about my life and what I can learn from it.

I'M POOPIN.... False alarm.

2007-04-29T13:37:00.000-06:00

I'm not crying anymore.

God's given me peace that I made the right decision. Granted, I still want to leave my job. And now it's even worse because I had that out, it just wasn't the right out. Didn't stop me from applying from one of our biggest competitors. It'd matter more if I was one of those positions they're trying to steal away. But there was something just a little satisfying about that.

I found the best thing in the world to make me smile.

Right here.

No joke. Everytime I look at it, I can't help but belly laugh. It's so utterly ridiculous. There. I was just thinking about it and I couldn't stop laughing.

Labels of all things funny will now be labeled "I'M POOPIN."

That's all.

Sometimes I hate my life...

2007-04-26T12:08:00.000-06:00

I did it.

I sent an email this morning to Laura telling her I can't pursue the position I had been. I can't take a nearly $3 pay cut (due to my merit increase in June) for only 20% off tuition. I told her I'm interested in the Admin Assistant position. I think I could do it. Once I was comfortable enough and the knowledge of a boss who'll support me if I stick my neck out on the line, I could really flourish and grow.

I wish I did it with a happy heart. I want to throw away the almost 14 lbs I lost to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry's and cry myself ot sleep.

The worst part is, I had the HR position in the bag. They knew, I knew it, but they knew it didn't have the benefits I needed to justify taking such a huge pay cut. It hurt my heart. I liked them so much. But I need to think about our future. That more money in the bank means and better quality house in the future, vacations to enjoy that we otherwise couldn't, and better means to fall back on for retirement.

But, as always, my head and my heart just duke out and leave me teary-eyed.

I need prayers. For what, I'm really not sure.

Crap!

2007-04-25T16:24:00.000-06:00

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

So, I've had a job interview, then I had a second interview. I thought it went well. I got along with the interviewers, it seemed really nice. Then they asked me this question:

Would you like to be considered for other positions if this does not work out?

I thought they mean the HR job they might have open in the not-so-distant future.

I told them I was interested in HR related jobs. They looked at each other an explained what they ment.

They ment the Admin Assistant for the CFO. $10,000 more a year, minimum. And tuition assistance 100% right away. Salaried, so I'd never have sick time. If I didn't show up because I was sick, I still get paid for the entire day. A job they told me that my degree would be more valuable to.

So here I am. In turmoil. Again. Because God's opening too many stupid doors. I told them that I would be interested if they decide the HR job isn't for me.

But I don't know. I need HR experience. But more money and a free MBA. And I'd be out of my current company. So right now, my life is at a standstill waiting on three paths:

Stay at my current job. Miserable and continually looking for another opportunity.
Get the HR job. Further my HR career, for less money, and a little bit of tuition assistance.
Get the CFO's Admin Assistant. Put HR on hold. Get a free MBA, get more money, and start my free MBA right away.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.....

I wish Sean would get home. I'm bursting to talk to him

My life is going well...really.

2007-04-12T14:21:00.000-06:00

My life has made an upward swing.

Not that it was going down. But, the beginning of this year had a lot of growing pains.

First of all, I started living with a man. Men see things in a way that is so different from women. Not just on emotional issues, but those are included, what I’m talking about is physical.

Men do not see dirt.

It is in their genetics that crumbs on the floor or the couch are just not there. A dirty dish on the coffee table? What do you mean? Where is it? A pile of Reese’s peanut butter cups wrappers and dirty tissues on top of the remote control – non-existent in the eyes of men.

And, when I mention it, it does get better. For about 48 hours. And then we get back to the normal grind. I don’t want to seem like a nag, and Sean gets guilt-ridden too easily for me to bug him about things often, that I just pick them up with everything else when I bring my dirty dishes to the sink and my garbage to the trashcan.

Another battle is taking out the trash.

In my house, my father took out the trash for most of my life. Or at least every Sunday night he’d drag the cans out front. I’m not really sure if my mom or my dad was the one who actually picked up the trash out of our home and put it in the garbage cans at the side of my house, but regardless, Sunday night I always heard my dad dragging them along the stone and brick path to the curb.

So, I bestowed this duty upon my husband. He’s a guy. Guys don’t mind things being dirty and smelly. So his one household duty is to take out the garbage.

What I did not realize is, men don’t see a full trashcan the way women do.

Our trashcan in the kitchen is the one that gets full the easiest and most-often. Somehow, the garbage that is produced from making one meal turns into twice the size of the meal itself. And the fact that it’s easier to buy pre-package, portionally-correct foods due to Weight Watchers also produces more garbage than grilling a chicken breast and nuking a baked potato for dinner or gorging yourself on a family sized bag of Cheetos until your tummy aches.

When I can no longer swing our garbage can lid back and forth, I assume that the trashcan is full. Usually I leave it for my husband to pick it up and change it after he’s put some of his trash in it and then take it outside. No, it means you take off the lid, put it halfway on the washer (where I clean our clothes! Icccckkk!), and continue to piling the trash there. So once the piling starts overflowing, I now know it’s time for it to go out. As a hint that the trash can is starting to become a mountain, I generally ask him to throw away a heft pile of things while I act busy doing something for us. When he starts walking into the kitchen I just know that he’ll come back with a full garbage bag. Instead, he’ll notice that the trashcan is overflowing, so he brings it to our half-empty bedroom trashcan.

I know he loathes it. Most people don’t enjoy taking about the garbage, but I vacuum, do laundry, windex, and wipe down all of our countertops, so taking out the garbage and occasionally mopping the floors is not such a big sacrifice.

Then of course, there’s that whole sharing a bed thing.

I’m an only child. A spoiled only child. Which translates to I-got-everything-I-wanted-and-everything-you-wanted-and-had-it-all-to-myself! So sharing was always a little difficult for me, anyway. In the past four months, I have been woken up for some of the most unusual reasons:
· Smothered by blankets and quilts and sheets
· Being colder than ice due to no covers within for feet of me
· Smushed by an arm that weighs more than half of me
· Getting random, inappropriate body parts pinched due to my husband’s dreams telling him he had to
· My pillow was stolen because my husband had thrown his on the floor
And this doesn’t even cover what my cat does!

But I digress. I digressed a lot.

Life is good. I’ve lost 11.5 lbs in two weeks! I feel happy, healthy, and more energy than I have in a while. And the stomach problems that have seem to plague me for the past few years has yet to rear its ugly head in the past few weeks. And, there seems to be an idea of a promising position in one of two places. We shall see where this leads me. But until then, enjoy the comedy that is adjusting to married life….

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

2007-04-05T14:48:00.000-06:00

My mom comes in tonight!

It's been three months since I've seen my mom, but today she'll be here! I know that almost seems silly. I would go from August to November without seeing my mom, and usually she'd only get a phone call with me on Sunday afternoon after both of us had been to church.

But things have changed.

I'd come home for a week in November. Two weeks later after an enormous amount of studying and late night readings topped by finals, I'd drive home for a month. And we'd celebrate Christmas and New Year's and any other excuse we could think of to make comfort food and sweet desserts, and then I'd go back to school for another three months. March usually brought me to her or her to me. And then two months later I'd be back home for another three. We'd work together a lot during the summer, so my mom and I would hang out a lot.

Everytime I left, even if it was for just a week, I'd say, "Ma, I'll be home _____. It won't be too long." Now, I never know when our next meeting will be. That breaks my heart a little each time I leave. Not just because I can't give her that little reassurance, but because I can't give it to myself either.

Sean's father and brother are coming in. They've convinced Seth to come to Harding, so he'll be joining us in Arkansas in August. But he needs to try out for all the wonderful music groups at Harding, so he's coming up this weekend.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law can't come.

Okay, I know my relationship with my mother-in-law has been less than stable. But I'm sad that Sean doesn't get to see his mom for some time now. Like my mom, we never know when the next time is that we will see his parents. Granted, they'll definitely be here in August to move Seth in, but until then, he won't get to see his mom for eight months possibly. Also, it's because she's sick. No one wants to be sick, especially during holiday times.

Although, I am grateful that I don't have to clean like I would if she were coming. Men genetically can't see dirt like women can, and my mom realizes that anything is an improvement compared to the way my bedroom used to be.

I'm getting everything ready to throw Easter for us on Saturday (due to Seth and Jackie's early departure on Sunday), so I am excited for throwing my first shindig type event for family. It's going to be simple: meat and cheese tray with condiments and rolls to accompany, fruits, veggies, and sidedishes to fit my Weight Watcher's lifestyle. But I'm excited.

Wish me luck!

simplici.tea

2007-03-17T21:43:00.000-06:00

I've decided I want to become a tea drinker.

Not like "I'm living in the South, sweet tea will replace my blood," but starting my morning with a hot cup of tea with honey or ending my day with some decaf and good book with my cat in my lap. There's something that's so appealing to me to be a tea-drinker. I just feel like I'd see life as slower paced, every sip bringing me a little serenity into my day.

Maybe I just watch two many commercials and movies.

But I like tea. I really do. The flavors are much more pleasant to me than the bitter taste of coffee. There's too many things in my life that are bitter without having to add it to the start of my day. I think I'm too much of a dreamer to be a coffee drinker. I'd rather sift through and explore the more complicated flavors infused in the tea bag.

I'd like to think I'm becoming a foodie.

I know I'm not really. I still prefer the taste of a McDonald's cheeseburger to that of anything Sean could make me on the grill or one of those gourmet burgers you can get at fancy restaurants made out of ostrich meat. But Food Network has made itself a regular on my TV. I think I've learned how to change things in a recipe successfully and I understand better why you have some ingredients that might seem out of place but are really essential to the recipe.

I think that's why tea might be more appealing. As I'm trying to understand and learn different elements of food, tea seems like a perfect compliment so I can understand some of the sweeter herbs and spices compared to the more savory spices you experiment with when it comes to dinner meals.

My life has been good recently. Not that it hasn't been good in the past. But I've been smiling a lot more than I've been crying.

Sean's got a job that he's so excited about. It's in a field he loves doing something he excells at. The money isn't as good, the peace of mind that he's happy with what he's doing is work learning how to budget. Beside, I'm glad for us to learn how to save and appreciate more of what we may make one day.

Work has been a bit more hectic. I'm given more tasks at work. Ones that will give me great experience in whatever I choose to pursue. My biggest problem is that I tend to be swamped during certain parts of the month and then other times I have to pull from the dregs of my tasks to find something to do. Ideally, I'd like to be steadily occupied all the time, but this world's not perfect, and I make do. I like most of my co-workers. Some more than others, of course, and others I wish would realize that just because they're older doesn't mean they're my supervisor or know better than I do. Not that I know anything more than they do, but someone's exhaustion and bad mood does not need to be taken out on me.

I love my husband. I get to hang out with my best friend on a fairly regular basis. She's about to move and leave me, so I'm glad to spend time with her when I can. Most of the time, I have a full life and when I get my breaks, I'm generally grateful to have them.

Two days after my birthday, I'm going to start Weight Watchers. I need to lose weight. I've always been on the bigger side, and I developed bad eating habits my senior year of college. But after my father died, I fell into depression. And recently depression has resulted in over-eating rather than loss-of-appetite. I'm hoping this will jump start me into losing some weight and get back to the gym. I always feel good when I work out, and the little bit of yoga that I do get to do, I love. But when I get to come home and see Sean, I just want to sit on the couch and cuddle and talk. I don't want a miracle. I don't want to be a size 2. I just want some more engery, a little more self confidence, and the knowledge that I'm living a healthy life.

But needless to say, my life is busy. When I get home, there's always something to do, whether I feel like doing it or not. I think taking thirty minutes to drink a cup of tea every night might give me a little bit more peace and perhaps a moment of simplicity in my life.

My Phone Call with Zach Braff

2007-02-16T10:42:00.000-06:00

My usual Thursday night, I watch Scrubs. This week was no different.

But, the thing that made this different was, it made me remember the time that I called Zach Braff and talked to him.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah right, Emily. Because I would too. I mean, my cat is named JD. You know when there are pets being named after characters on a show, that you just like that show a little too much.

I digress. During college, a lot of my obligations did not revolve around the airing of Scrubs (much to my dismay), so I would be forced to tape or download episodes so I could watch them. (And may I note, the episodes were not iTunes yet and all episodes have been deleted with my purchase of that season.) I had missed a certain episode (season 4, episode 9... I'm pathetic, I know) and so had downloaded the episode. I also love Garden State and Zach Braff's blog was linked my livejournal. I noticed much discussion about calling Turk's cell phone on Scrubs.

I was curious. My cell phone had long distance on it and I wanted to take advantage of it.

So, I dial the number. It rings. It rings again. And then I hear "Hello, Scrubs."

I froze. I knew that voice. The voice that spoke out to me as Largeman from Garden State and the squeaky voice of Chicken Little. But most of all, the dorky doctor that had my heart every Tuesday. Zach Braff.

Let me recap the entire conversation for you:

ZB: "Hello, Scrubs."
Me: "...."
ZB: "Hello...?"
Me: "Sorry, wrong number."
ZB: "Are you sure."
Me: "Yeah, sorry, bye."

And thus, my phone call with Zach Braff.

And Sean will be first to tell you, that I do still beat myself up about it to this day.

Home sweet home...?

2007-02-02T21:11:00.000-06:00

I am an Arkansas resident.

It's kind of nice to be in a place away from home with my husband for us to call our home. But I think the frustrating thing is, neither of us want this to be our home. We both know that this is a place for us to save money and plan for the future.

The hard thing is, right now we're not very sure at all of what the future holds.

We both know I will probably stay with the hospital until we're ready to leave Arkansas. It'll give me lots of experience and the loyalty to one company will look good. And hopefully we'll stay at the hospital long enough for me to have the appropriate experience level to apply for other HR jobs when we move.

It's been so long since Sean interviewed with Walgreens.

The frustrating thing is, the probably are wanting him to move up to management. I mean, they have to find out where he'll move and give two weeks notice, but the district manager hasn't bothered to contact anyone. It's obvious that a photo tech moving to assistant manager isn't even a blip on his radar. That is so disheartening for anyone. And I can tell you from experience, your degree not really being recognized is frustrating. It feels like you wasted four years of your life to rack up some dept and make some new friends for a few years.

He's put in some other apps and has an interview set up for Wednesday. We just need prayers. We need some sort of sign of where to go. Sean needs to have a job that's more challenging that running a register and developing pictures. But we also need a job that will allow one of us to transfer when we are ready to move so we are able to have a source from day one in our new residence.

Granted, I get frustrated with my job too.

Our manager is sometimes on top of things. But a lot of times, she's nowhere to be found. I wrote entire handbook and gave it to her before I left for the wedding/holidays. I have been told to replace every "employee" with "associate" and try to get rid of any "musts" in the text. I have not received any other edit. I think she may have said a total of 50 words that are work related. I have no idea where she sees my position going or where she sees me developing in the department.

But, at least I know that in everything I do, I am making someone's day a little bit easier. Helping them utilize our benefits, making sure licenses are up to date, recognizing every employee's birthday, making sure everyone is entered correctly into our system, getting the right people into the right job. And I've realized I absolutely love my career path. Even with a company I'm not really sure of, I know that I picked the right field to go into.

I want that for Sean. Heck, I want that for everyone. But I especially want it for the man I love.

2007-01-24T19:43:00.000-06:00

A Word of Warning

I am at the Garden State point in my life.

This statement is utterly pointless if you have not seen this movie. But if you're reading this blog, then, how have you not seen this movie? But for a little clarification, this is what I mean.

You're almost to that adult stage. You've had your first real jobs. You have to pay bills, buy insurance, get your taxes done, think about investing for the future a little. But, you're not real important in your job. Your entry level or a little above. You don't necessarily live at home, but sometimes, part of you wants to run to the parent you would go to for problems. You could think marriage, but the responsibility of actually being a parent scares you beyond belief.

It's the anticipation of what is to come. That's what this part of life is. You long for the carefree days of school where your biggest headache was that math problem that seemed impossible on your algebra class and the boy you have a big crush on saw you with snot dripping out of your nose when you laughed to hard in the cafeteria. Granted, those were big problems back then. But I'd rather worry about snot running out my nose than paying my insurance bill, making rent, and wondering what kind of job my husband's going to have.

I'm really scared.

That wasn't the thought behind this entry. This is kind of just how my mind went. I was originally going to write about how marriage is harder than I expected. Even for a couple like us who have been together for a long time and really genuinely love each other.

But my mind keeps wandering.

My mind is so focused on the fact that I don't know what is to come. That is absolutely frightening to me. I feel like I'm just kind of floating. I'm not fully any place. And it's like purgatory. And the idea behind purgatory is truly my hell.

Perhaps when my hormones get back to normal I won't feel like this. If my hormones every get back to normal.

2007-01-21T13:08:00.000-06:00

Warning: This is Slightly TMI, but it's my blog, so get over it.

So we had our first pregnancy scare.

You think a girl who's been on birth control for well over ten years wouldn't have much of a problem with it. But I just switched from the ring. My period wouldn't come until the day before I was supposed to put the new one in, obviously not normal. So I switched back to the pill.

Well, in the midst of trying to pack everything for the honeymoon, I left my pack of pills at home. Yeah, I know, "ahh!". But, we had plenty of condoms and used one everytime. And really, I only missed two days of the pill, so it wasn't a big deal.

We were well aware that most women tend to get a UTI from the honeymoon, especially girls who have never had sex before and then go hog wild, so we got cranberry pills and I took at least two a day. UTI never happened. But I developed a nice yeast infection. So I took some Monistat and all was well.

Just a word of warning, Monistat weakens a condom and compromises the medicine in spermicide (which is on most condoms). So we had to take some emergency contraceptive to make sure everything was okay.

Well, I had been off the pill for seven days, time to start my new pack. No period. So, of course we freak out. Sean calls a pharmacist to see if this is normal. They said to wait a couple days.

Since it hadn't come yet, and the mood struck, we decided to have some fun. Except, that's when my period decided to show up. Yeah, but, answered prayers.

So we got a bunch of firsts. And hopefully the lasts for a while. Well, except my period. I'll be okay if I have those once a month....

2007-01-20T22:11:00.000-06:00

At Sean's graduation in December, they had a really great speaker.

One thing she said has really stuck out in my mind. She said that twenty something years ago, their parents had learned what it meant to have their heart leave their body and walk around and trust that it would be okay. That when a child is born, they take their parents hearts and become a part of them. A part of them that they can't control and isn't quite understood on the part of the person they gave it to.

That simple statement made so much sense.

I understand why my mom would worry. Why she wanted to know where I was going, who I was going to be with, when I want to be home. And why when I walked down the aisle she was crying tears of joy, but also tears of loss.

Because now I've let my heart leave me and walk around outside of my body.

Maybe not in the same connection. I mean, if I had someone growing inside me for nine miserable months, it's obviously no where close to the relationship of man and wife. But in marriage, you choose that person. You can decide who you give your heart to. And if you choose wisely, you don't need to worry about them ever doing anything purposefully to hurt you. You don't always have that luxury with a child who has yet to understand what you feel.

But when it comes to hurting, the person you've given your heart to can do it without any control.

It's icy out. Sean got a call asking to come in to work third shift. I told him to go ahead and work half, 10p-2a, so we could still make it to church. But when I think about him driving home past 2a, my heart takes residence in my throat. It's all those little things. The things you can't control. The things that are other people's faults. Those things hurt my heart. They make me afraid. Because if I lost him, I would lose my heart. And if I lose my heart, my mother will lose hers as well.

And I didn't feel this when I first told Sean I loved him.

I loved him, yes. But not like this. I loved him with that mixture of puppy love, lust, excitement, and hope of what is to come. I love him now, with a little bit of those. I still get so excited to see him when he comes home or meets me for lunch at work. It makes me smile a little more. But my love for him is so much deeper. I still have that young, passionate love. But I think we both feel a deep companionship love. The kind I think you need to have in order to have a successful marriage. Because that's the love that let's a marriage last.

The question remains though. If I'm feeling this now. Just short of three years of Sean being my significant other. How much more will it be ten, twenty, fifty years from now?

And as exciting as that is, to be able to claim that we've experienced that kind of love, it scares me. It scares me that one of us will eventually be without that kind of love. And although that's a long way away, when my heart leaps into my throat on nights like this, sometimes my mind wanders to those thoughts.

2007-01-14T16:51:00.000-06:00

I am married!

Man, I really had my doubts about everything coming together. Not about my husband of course. Don't ever get that idea. I love him to death. He is my rock, my laughter, my comfort, my swift kick in the pants when I need it. But just about everything else about the wedding, I wasn't sure how it was going to play out. I was literally folding programs midnight before the wedding. But it looked good. Simple, but good. What we wanted.

Married life is good. Adjustments are always to be expected. But it's going fairly smoothly.

It's interesting how much you assume some things are a given, but them you starting living with someone else, it's shows you how much it isn't a given. Everything from the toilet seat, the bed being made, using the dishwasher. It's not anything you can't get over, just something to get adjusted to.

A lot of wedding pictures have been rolling in. I love how a lot of them have turned out. I'm glad it was a beautiful day. We got some really great pictures outside. I really wanted outside pictures. The only sad thing was the fact that my theme didn't correlate with the sunny skies and balmy 60 degrees outside. Snowflakes did look slightly silly. But who would've thought that December 30th wouldn't have brought ice and cold?

I need to get back into working out.

I always tried to at least go to yoga every week, let along make it to the gym to get in some cardio. Last week I didn't even manage to make it to yoga. We made so many precautions that I wouldn't get a UTI. In the end, it resulted in a yeast infection. (Sorry for gross details) You don't feel like stretching in odd ways, let alone sweating when that's going on. Hopefully the period that is to come this week won't be so bad with trying to work out again.

I really want Sean and I to start our lives together healthy and happy.

Happy is taken care of. We have so much love and affection for each other that it could fill a whole room with happiness. Healthy, well, once we can conquer our love of bad for us foods, we'll be on the right track. I think we both like working out. It makes us feel good. But man, we love food.

My new thing for Food Network doesn't help. I love watching it. I take pride in cooking a really good meal. One that takes a little more than opening a box and following the directions. Granted, I don't want it to complicated. A meal we'll down in twenty minutes isn't worth hours and hours of labor. But crafting something that just melts in your mouth that'll take about 60 minutes, that I love doing.

But, we need to go to bed soon. Sean has an interview for the management trainee program with Walgreens tomorrow morning in Conway. That's also VERY exciting. A lot of our future lies in tomorrow. And I need to be at work tomorrow at 8am.

So this is where I bring this to a close.

2006-12-19T18:58:00.000-06:00

11 days.

Holy crap.

I feel like there's so much left to do. We have to do our programs, gift tags, find a videographer, write thank you cards, get Sean completely moved into my apartment, clean up his apartment, get our apartment in working condition before we leave, get packed to leave, pay our rent, pay our family plan cell phone line, get to our homes in one piece.

It's so crazy. I'm so ready. I'm ready for him to be my husband. I'm ready for him to crawl into bed next to me at night. I want him to come home to me. And I'm starting to get it now that he's moving in. But I don't want to spend my next Christmas away from him. I want to wake up Christmas morning and open presents with him.

But I will settle with being his roommate until December 30.

2006-11-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

Dreams really do give you something to think about...

I just woke up. But I can't get this dream out of my head.

For some reason, the dream was set back to graduation in highschool. And for some reason we were getting diplomas in my house (but I digress, this is not the meet of the story). There were a group of people laughing and carrying on near the line where I joined after I got my diploma.

They were all laughing about Bobby. A kid that went through schooling in our school system, but didn't graduate through it.

The entire time, they just sat there and made of the kid. Yes, he was socially awkward. Yes, he had a slightly delayed fashion sense. Yes, his interests were kind of dorky. Sometimes he was inappropriately loud and sometimes he just repeated stuff that he didn't really understand the content of. But this was not the defining characteristic of this kid.

Bobby smiled all of the time.

And that's what they were mainly making fun of him for. The fact that a kid was happy enough that he could smile all the time, and the rest of us couldn't understand it. But I guess that's what everyone does. If you don't understand it, you make fun of them or get angry at them. At least we chose the former rather than the later. Physical violence would've taken away his smile.

In the dream I yelled at them. I told them they were horrible. That they could push away such a happy guy and take away his smile because they were so mean.

I wish I could say I did that in real life. I probably barely noticed that he was gone. But I remember making fun of him. And I also remember doing nothing about it.

Just something to think about.

2006-11-03T13:02:00.000-06:00

The ladies at work are planning a bridal shower for me.

I think this is the closest thing to clearing away my loneliness that I've had in a long time. People are getting excited for attending a shower for me and my wedding. It had been really depressing because Sean and I both felt like nobody was excited about our wedding but us. Including our parents. (Sidenote: we know they are, but deep down they're sad because their child is leaving them to start their own family--that has to be sad...)

Also the fact that my church family is flying me home for a bridal shower there. I really felt like they didn't care when they wanted me to fly home on my own accord again to go to a shower. That hurt my feelings a lot. But I think one person realized that it wasn't right and insisted that they fly me home. I don't even care if I don't get as many presents, because it means the world to me that they started to care enough to get me there.

I still feel friendless.

Part of it I know could be my own fault. I spend most of my free time with Sean when I can. I feel like I barely get to see him as is, which makes it hard. He is my number one person in my life now so he takes priority. Which I think is only fair. Granted, I shouldn't neglect any other relationships. My struggle is, because of my bond with Sean, I feel like I've been treated like the ugly stepchild. Maybe that's not fair. But I feel like I've gone out of my way sometimes only to be used, stepped on, or had the person only take care of themself.

I know people care. Everyone's cared about by someone. But I feel like that number has shrunk.

Leaving Searcy won't solve everything. If anything, it might be more difficult. Because then neither of us will have a basis. But being able to establish ourselves as a couple might be easier in finding friends that are also in a similar situation. Granted, this probably won't come for a year or two. Neither of us enjoy moving. And the next move will be permanent. It'll be to a place where Sean and I could raise a family. So this is something we're not planning on taking lightly or rushing into.

But back to work. I just need to clear my head in order to get my mind back into what i'm doing.

2006-10-14T15:55:00.000-06:00

It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside.

I want to go run around. I want to roll in leaves and laugh and act like I'm 8.

I mainly have two problems: no where to do it and no one to do it with.

I need to learn how to make friends.

That's such a sad statement. But I really don't know how. Almost all of my friends I have either met because they were living across the hall from me, a friend of another friend, or through some class or organization I was involved in.

But now. Now I work with 8 other women. The youngest of which is ten years my senior. In fact, I am the youngest employee in that building.

I guess people now a days meet at bars or clubs. Neither of which I have a problem with. In fact, I'm a big fan. Unfortunately, the closest ones are over 50 miles away. Somehow I can't justify driving all that way when there's a possibility I'll being sitting on a barstool by myself wishing that my fiance didn't have to work all the time.

I think I would literally kill someone if it meant that Sean would be hired for a 9 to 5 job.

He keeps telling me I hate Walgreens. No, I don't hate Walgreens. I just hate the hours that being employed by a 24-hour store entails. In fact, sales and customer service are a great field for him. It's something he does well in and could go far. But is slightly frustrating when your weekends are spent lying around waiting for him to get off work or trying to get him to muster enough energy to go do something.

Okay, maybe he's right. Maybe I do hate Walgreens.

Wedding plans.

If I could just get enough motivation to get the invitations together, I'd be golden. Nothing to worry about except finding the right decorations to transform the church. Well, except the fact that Sean hasn't bothered to find a tux yet. Now that's just really frustrating. But I guess part of that is the fact that Walgreens makes him working all the effin' time. We have to pick out rings too. But I'm too worried about that. I'll just be getting a plain band and so will he. I want something very simple to show Hey boys, I'm married but not get in the way like a diamond would sometimes.

I think if I had music narrating my life, I'd want Zach Braff to be the DJ.

That's all.

2006-10-12T06:11:00.000-06:00

I think I'm finally genuinely happy here.

Granted, my first few weeks in Searcy were rough. After everything that happened at home and everything I didn't accomplish, a huge amount of stress and unsettled emotions weighed down on my back. I mean, I got physically ill when I went to leave. We had to stop on the New Jersey Turnpike so I could clean up after dryheaving in the car. Gross, I know, but that's how much the stress and emotional baggage had affected me.

The initial grieving process and depression set in about the time my mom left me to fend for myself and be a big girl. That was rough. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to pack up, grab Sean, and leave. But I got through. Sean wasn't working yet and let me cry on him quite a bit. Jennifer was good when Sean couldn't handle it anymore.

But then Jennifer left. And Sean would work nights for days on end. Including weekends when I had nothing to do. By then, JD had joined me and it wasn't so lonely anymore. But a cat just doesn't give you the feedback that another human being who cares about you does. I really thought that people coming back from Harding would help. That those people would even try to communicate with me once in a while. But really, they didn't. An occassional internet message or a phone call to ask something. Being in Searcy, but not a Harding student is a totally different world. And as much as I wanted people to call, I realized that I wanted people I didn't know.

Really, I still don't know them. It's very, very hard to be friends with people not in a relationship. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to blame anyone. But you have to admit, it is. From both sides. In the end, you forsake one in order to please the other. So either the friendship starts to deteriorate because you're trying to develop your relationship with the significant other, or the relationship gets taken for granted because you're too worried about what your friends think and trying to make them happy. It's a very fine line to walk and you end up having to fall on one side or the other.

The funny thing is, it's even harder to find people in a relationship who plan to stay in Searcy on a longer term to make some kind of lasting friendship with. It seems like everyone's either still in college, too old, or in a clique (generally because of the former two reasons). The middle reason can probably be overcome in a year or two after we look a little less like college students. But, Searcy's not long term. Neither of us want a family in Searcy. Thus, by the time one comes about, we'll be ready to look for greener pastures.

But really, this whole thing wasn't to complain. Rather, it's to explain the kind of depression I've been in for the last few months. At one point, I think I reached the lowest I've been for sometime. Because I've been so lonely, I've expected Sean to be the perfect friend and fiance all at once. But with a (basically full-time) job, school, social life, planning the wedding, and trying to deal with me, I could tell he just didn't know what to do with me anymore. And what I was doing wasn't fair to anyone, especially someone with that much on their plate.

So after a few words exchanged, I decided to make a change.

I decided that I was going to start going to the gym. That at least if I was doing something for my body to look and feel a little better, the least I can do is that. And then I started yoga classes at work. And really, after all of this, I haven't lost anything. But I'm doing something about something making me unhappy. And that in return makes me happy.

So I'm happy. I'm lonely enough, but at least I'm more at ease with it.