“I don’t know how to live in a world where my Dad isn’t.”

--George O'Malley

It's hard. It's so weird. But I've made a year. Well, almost.

Well, let's just say, I shouldn't of watched Grey's Anatomy tonight.

When it rains, it pours....

May has become a bad month for me.

It wasn’t always. Growing up, it was finally sunny again and not too hot. We spent more days outside playing and summer was always right around the corner which meant I got to spend my days with my mom when she was out of school as well. And there is still one exception: May 24. Only because that’s my best friends birthday, so that day’s okay.

There are some obvious things that cause May to be a bad month.

One year ago come May 25, is the anniversary of my dad’s death. That is what it is and brings up all kinds of bad emotions because of that. But this May 25 will be especially bad. This will mark the first night Sean and I will spend apart since we were married. So not only am I going to feel weird with Sean not coming home, but I will already be an emotional wreck due to no longer having a father.

You want to hear the kicker? It’s my first Open Enrollment. Ack. I’m already pretty bad when it comes to enrolling people in their benefits. But I’m going to be responsible for approximately 25% of the employees here. Well, maybe closer to 20%. But still! And my final shift? 5-10pm on May 25. I’m beginning to think that it must be Satan’s birthday by the amount of crappy things that culminate on that day.

But, it will give my 11 hours of overtime. That’s not so bad.

On top of everything, Jenel is leaving me tomorrow. That’s one of the most bizarre things to me. Jenel’s been around all the time with the exception of perhaps the year I started college at Harding. But we talked all the time on IM and the occasional phone call, so it was not like we had completely lost contact. And I know we won’t lose contact now. But it’s not the same just calling up and being like, “hey, let’s take a walk,” or “hey, I need to talk with someone now.” And phone calls work, but it’s not the same.

And although Sean and I have talked about moving to Virginia for years, there’s not one anywhere near where she’ll be. So, we have no idea where we’re moving (not that we know when we’ll move…), but I know it can’t be anywhere close to her. Not anytime soon at least.

So another tragedy in my life happens in May.

I think May brought showers, not flowers.

Why I don't blog as much as I could....

I’ve always loved writing in journals.

More often than not, I’d find a beautiful journal and I’d look at it and want to fill every page with my thoughts, feelings, words of wisdom, my legacy. I always thought that one day my daughters would find it and think, “Wow. Our mother went through a LOT of what I’m going through. I had no idea.” The problem is, all of my journals are scattered around with about half or more left blank. They are in varying degrees of emotional states and maturity. To be honest, I miss being able to spill my words out on a page in my own handwriting knowing that only snopers and future generations might see it.

But I’m bad with blogs a lot.

The beauty of blogs is that you get immediate feedback from the people you choose to share it with. You crave the comments and the thoughts of other people, if they feel the same, if they’re on your side, if they can show you a different perspective. Eventually, you grow and change, away from those you originally chose to share it with. Or, you grow and change, and you no longer feel the desire to share your thoughts, feelings, and memories with people who get to know you through your blog, an image, quite frankly that can be altered and shifted due to how you craft your words.

There was one diary I had finished. It was my freshman year of high school diary. I think everyone has that one year in school that complete redefines you and changes who you are forever. That was my year. I learned what it was like to lose friends that I didn’t want to, and that it’s okay to be selective about my friends (the latter lesson I learned a little later than I wish I had). I learned that there were boys who found me attractive, and not just the gay ones either. I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think of your faith, only focus on what you believe and what you need to do with that knowledge. I learned that there were good fathers who loved their children and showed that love to me too. I learned that you shouldn’t take your parents willing to do anything for you forgranted, and because of that I’ll always remember the plate of cheese and crackers in the basement. I learned that sometimes it really is better to just remain friends even if you can’t help developing a crush on the cute Hawaiin musician, because sometimes, even if he had liked you, you would’ve been a terrible couple. I learned to not take yourself too seriously, but only to guard your heart seriously.

That diary was my life line. It wasn’t until after I had finished writing in that diary that I really had people who I could tell everything to. I was really depressed for a big portion of that school year. That was my release. I am so thankful for that journal that was filled with pages of my emotions and memories.

Last year was another year that completely changed me as a person. My life was an emotional roller coaster.

In 2006 I learned what it was like to really become an adult. I learned that your college degree is important, but sometimes it’s not as important as who you know. I learned what it was like to fail at something and not learn how to make it right. I learned what it was like to feel so completely in love that another person was the only person you thought about. I learned what it was like to completely lean on someone who wasn’t my mom, and that it was okay. I learned that a child can feel no greater loss than losing a parent that you hadn’t mended bridges with and now will never get the chance. I learned what it was like living paycheck to paycheck. I learned that your wedding day really is the happiest day of your life. I learned that giving your heart to another person completely is the most freedom you will ever feel.
But I didn’t need a journal. I had my fiance/husband. I had my best friend. I had my mom. I had my roommates. I had my club sisters. I had my choir friends. There wasn’t a secret in my life that someone didn’t know.

This blog was created not because of that. This was created because I love looking back. I love seeing how I grow. I look back on that freshman year, and I realize how small my world view was and yet how I could barely handle it. Looking back makes me realize I can move forward and not be afraid.

This blog is for me. Those I share it with are welcome to comment and ask questions. But it’s not about you. It’s about learning and growing and raw emotion. It’s about my life and what I can learn from it.

I'M POOPIN.... False alarm.

I'm not crying anymore.

God's given me peace that I made the right decision. Granted, I still want to leave my job. And now it's even worse because I had that out, it just wasn't the right out. Didn't stop me from applying from one of our biggest competitors. It'd matter more if I was one of those positions they're trying to steal away. But there was something just a little satisfying about that.

I found the best thing in the world to make me smile.

Right here.

No joke. Everytime I look at it, I can't help but belly laugh. It's so utterly ridiculous. There. I was just thinking about it and I couldn't stop laughing.

Labels of all things funny will now be labeled "I'M POOPIN."

That's all.

Sometimes I hate my life...

I did it.

I sent an email this morning to Laura telling her I can't pursue the position I had been. I can't take a nearly $3 pay cut (due to my merit increase in June) for only 20% off tuition. I told her I'm interested in the Admin Assistant position. I think I could do it. Once I was comfortable enough and the knowledge of a boss who'll support me if I stick my neck out on the line, I could really flourish and grow.

I wish I did it with a happy heart. I want to throw away the almost 14 lbs I lost to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry's and cry myself ot sleep.

The worst part is, I had the HR position in the bag. They knew, I knew it, but they knew it didn't have the benefits I needed to justify taking such a huge pay cut. It hurt my heart. I liked them so much. But I need to think about our future. That more money in the bank means and better quality house in the future, vacations to enjoy that we otherwise couldn't, and better means to fall back on for retirement.

But, as always, my head and my heart just duke out and leave me teary-eyed.

I need prayers. For what, I'm really not sure.

Crap!

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

So, I've had a job interview, then I had a second interview. I thought it went well. I got along with the interviewers, it seemed really nice. Then they asked me this question:

Would you like to be considered for other positions if this does not work out?

I thought they mean the HR job they might have open in the not-so-distant future.

I told them I was interested in HR related jobs. They looked at each other an explained what they ment.

They ment the Admin Assistant for the CFO. $10,000 more a year, minimum. And tuition assistance 100% right away. Salaried, so I'd never have sick time. If I didn't show up because I was sick, I still get paid for the entire day. A job they told me that my degree would be more valuable to.

So here I am. In turmoil. Again. Because God's opening too many stupid doors. I told them that I would be interested if they decide the HR job isn't for me.

But I don't know. I need HR experience. But more money and a free MBA. And I'd be out of my current company. So right now, my life is at a standstill waiting on three paths:

1. Stay at my current job. Miserable and continually looking for another opportunity.
2. Get the HR job. Further my HR career, for less money, and a little bit of tuition assistance.
3. Get the CFO's Admin Assistant. Put HR on hold. Get a free MBA, get more money, and start my free MBA right away.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.....

I wish Sean would get home. I'm bursting to talk to him

My life is going well...really.

My life has made an upward swing.

Not that it was going down. But, the beginning of this year had a lot of growing pains.

First of all, I started living with a man. Men see things in a way that is so different from women. Not just on emotional issues, but those are included, what I’m talking about is physical.

Men do not see dirt.

It is in their genetics that crumbs on the floor or the couch are just not there. A dirty dish on the coffee table? What do you mean? Where is it? A pile of Reese’s peanut butter cups wrappers and dirty tissues on top of the remote control – non-existent in the eyes of men.

And, when I mention it, it does get better. For about 48 hours. And then we get back to the normal grind. I don’t want to seem like a nag, and Sean gets guilt-ridden too easily for me to bug him about things often, that I just pick them up with everything else when I bring my dirty dishes to the sink and my garbage to the trashcan.

Another battle is taking out the trash.

In my house, my father took out the trash for most of my life. Or at least every Sunday night he’d drag the cans out front. I’m not really sure if my mom or my dad was the one who actually picked up the trash out of our home and put it in the garbage cans at the side of my house, but regardless, Sunday night I always heard my dad dragging them along the stone and brick path to the curb.

So, I bestowed this duty upon my husband. He’s a guy. Guys don’t mind things being dirty and smelly. So his one household duty is to take out the garbage.

What I did not realize is, men don’t see a full trashcan the way women do.

Our trashcan in the kitchen is the one that gets full the easiest and most-often. Somehow, the garbage that is produced from making one meal turns into twice the size of the meal itself. And the fact that it’s easier to buy pre-package, portionally-correct foods due to Weight Watchers also produces more garbage than grilling a chicken breast and nuking a baked potato for dinner or gorging yourself on a family sized bag of Cheetos until your tummy aches.

When I can no longer swing our garbage can lid back and forth, I assume that the trashcan is full. Usually I leave it for my husband to pick it up and change it after he’s put some of his trash in it and then take it outside. No, it means you take off the lid, put it halfway on the washer (where I clean our clothes! Icccckkk!), and continue to piling the trash there. So once the piling starts overflowing, I now know it’s time for it to go out. As a hint that the trash can is starting to become a mountain, I generally ask him to throw away a heft pile of things while I act busy doing something for us. When he starts walking into the kitchen I just know that he’ll come back with a full garbage bag. Instead, he’ll notice that the trashcan is overflowing, so he brings it to our half-empty bedroom trashcan.

I know he loathes it. Most people don’t enjoy taking about the garbage, but I vacuum, do laundry, windex, and wipe down all of our countertops, so taking out the garbage and occasionally mopping the floors is not such a big sacrifice.

Then of course, there’s that whole sharing a bed thing.

I’m an only child. A spoiled only child. Which translates to I-got-everything-I-wanted-and-everything-you-wanted-and-had-it-all-to-myself! So sharing was always a little difficult for me, anyway. In the past four months, I have been woken up for some of the most unusual reasons:
· Smothered by blankets and quilts and sheets
· Being colder than ice due to no covers within for feet of me
· Smushed by an arm that weighs more than half of me
· Getting random, inappropriate body parts pinched due to my husband’s dreams telling him he had to
· My pillow was stolen because my husband had thrown his on the floor
And this doesn’t even cover what my cat does!

But I digress. I digressed a lot.

Life is good. I’ve lost 11.5 lbs in two weeks! I feel happy, healthy, and more energy than I have in a while. And the stomach problems that have seem to plague me for the past few years has yet to rear its ugly head in the past few weeks. And, there seems to be an idea of a promising position in one of two places. We shall see where this leads me. But until then, enjoy the comedy that is adjusting to married life….