11 days.

Holy crap.

I feel like there's so much left to do. We have to do our programs, gift tags, find a videographer, write thank you cards, get Sean completely moved into my apartment, clean up his apartment, get our apartment in working condition before we leave, get packed to leave, pay our rent, pay our family plan cell phone line, get to our homes in one piece.

It's so crazy. I'm so ready. I'm ready for him to be my husband. I'm ready for him to crawl into bed next to me at night. I want him to come home to me. And I'm starting to get it now that he's moving in. But I don't want to spend my next Christmas away from him. I want to wake up Christmas morning and open presents with him.

But I will settle with being his roommate until December 30.

Dreams really do give you something to think about...

I just woke up. But I can't get this dream out of my head.

For some reason, the dream was set back to graduation in highschool. And for some reason we were getting diplomas in my house (but I digress, this is not the meet of the story). There were a group of people laughing and carrying on near the line where I joined after I got my diploma.

They were all laughing about Bobby. A kid that went through schooling in our school system, but didn't graduate through it.

The entire time, they just sat there and made of the kid. Yes, he was socially awkward. Yes, he had a slightly delayed fashion sense. Yes, his interests were kind of dorky. Sometimes he was inappropriately loud and sometimes he just repeated stuff that he didn't really understand the content of. But this was not the defining characteristic of this kid.

Bobby smiled all of the time.

And that's what they were mainly making fun of him for. The fact that a kid was happy enough that he could smile all the time, and the rest of us couldn't understand it. But I guess that's what everyone does. If you don't understand it, you make fun of them or get angry at them. At least we chose the former rather than the later. Physical violence would've taken away his smile.

In the dream I yelled at them. I told them they were horrible. That they could push away such a happy guy and take away his smile because they were so mean.

I wish I could say I did that in real life. I probably barely noticed that he was gone. But I remember making fun of him. And I also remember doing nothing about it.

Just something to think about.

The ladies at work are planning a bridal shower for me.

I think this is the closest thing to clearing away my loneliness that I've had in a long time. People are getting excited for attending a shower for me and my wedding. It had been really depressing because Sean and I both felt like nobody was excited about our wedding but us. Including our parents. (Sidenote: we know they are, but deep down they're sad because their child is leaving them to start their own family--that has to be sad...)

Also the fact that my church family is flying me home for a bridal shower there. I really felt like they didn't care when they wanted me to fly home on my own accord again to go to a shower. That hurt my feelings a lot. But I think one person realized that it wasn't right and insisted that they fly me home. I don't even care if I don't get as many presents, because it means the world to me that they started to care enough to get me there.

I still feel friendless.

Part of it I know could be my own fault. I spend most of my free time with Sean when I can. I feel like I barely get to see him as is, which makes it hard. He is my number one person in my life now so he takes priority. Which I think is only fair. Granted, I shouldn't neglect any other relationships. My struggle is, because of my bond with Sean, I feel like I've been treated like the ugly stepchild. Maybe that's not fair. But I feel like I've gone out of my way sometimes only to be used, stepped on, or had the person only take care of themself.

I know people care. Everyone's cared about by someone. But I feel like that number has shrunk.

Leaving Searcy won't solve everything. If anything, it might be more difficult. Because then neither of us will have a basis. But being able to establish ourselves as a couple might be easier in finding friends that are also in a similar situation. Granted, this probably won't come for a year or two. Neither of us enjoy moving. And the next move will be permanent. It'll be to a place where Sean and I could raise a family. So this is something we're not planning on taking lightly or rushing into.

But back to work. I just need to clear my head in order to get my mind back into what i'm doing.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside.

I want to go run around. I want to roll in leaves and laugh and act like I'm 8.

I mainly have two problems: no where to do it and no one to do it with.

I need to learn how to make friends.

That's such a sad statement. But I really don't know how. Almost all of my friends I have either met because they were living across the hall from me, a friend of another friend, or through some class or organization I was involved in.

But now. Now I work with 8 other women. The youngest of which is ten years my senior. In fact, I am the youngest employee in that building.

I guess people now a days meet at bars or clubs. Neither of which I have a problem with. In fact, I'm a big fan. Unfortunately, the closest ones are over 50 miles away. Somehow I can't justify driving all that way when there's a possibility I'll being sitting on a barstool by myself wishing that my fiance didn't have to work all the time.

I think I would literally kill someone if it meant that Sean would be hired for a 9 to 5 job.

He keeps telling me I hate Walgreens. No, I don't hate Walgreens. I just hate the hours that being employed by a 24-hour store entails. In fact, sales and customer service are a great field for him. It's something he does well in and could go far. But is slightly frustrating when your weekends are spent lying around waiting for him to get off work or trying to get him to muster enough energy to go do something.

Okay, maybe he's right. Maybe I do hate Walgreens.

Wedding plans.

If I could just get enough motivation to get the invitations together, I'd be golden. Nothing to worry about except finding the right decorations to transform the church. Well, except the fact that Sean hasn't bothered to find a tux yet. Now that's just really frustrating. But I guess part of that is the fact that Walgreens makes him working all the effin' time. We have to pick out rings too. But I'm too worried about that. I'll just be getting a plain band and so will he. I want something very simple to show Hey boys, I'm married but not get in the way like a diamond would sometimes.

I think if I had music narrating my life, I'd want Zach Braff to be the DJ.

That's all.

I think I'm finally genuinely happy here.

Granted, my first few weeks in Searcy were rough. After everything that happened at home and everything I didn't accomplish, a huge amount of stress and unsettled emotions weighed down on my back. I mean, I got physically ill when I went to leave. We had to stop on the New Jersey Turnpike so I could clean up after dryheaving in the car. Gross, I know, but that's how much the stress and emotional baggage had affected me.

The initial grieving process and depression set in about the time my mom left me to fend for myself and be a big girl. That was rough. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to pack up, grab Sean, and leave. But I got through. Sean wasn't working yet and let me cry on him quite a bit. Jennifer was good when Sean couldn't handle it anymore.

But then Jennifer left. And Sean would work nights for days on end. Including weekends when I had nothing to do. By then, JD had joined me and it wasn't so lonely anymore. But a cat just doesn't give you the feedback that another human being who cares about you does. I really thought that people coming back from Harding would help. That those people would even try to communicate with me once in a while. But really, they didn't. An occassional internet message or a phone call to ask something. Being in Searcy, but not a Harding student is a totally different world. And as much as I wanted people to call, I realized that I wanted people I didn't know.

Really, I still don't know them. It's very, very hard to be friends with people not in a relationship. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to blame anyone. But you have to admit, it is. From both sides. In the end, you forsake one in order to please the other. So either the friendship starts to deteriorate because you're trying to develop your relationship with the significant other, or the relationship gets taken for granted because you're too worried about what your friends think and trying to make them happy. It's a very fine line to walk and you end up having to fall on one side or the other.

The funny thing is, it's even harder to find people in a relationship who plan to stay in Searcy on a longer term to make some kind of lasting friendship with. It seems like everyone's either still in college, too old, or in a clique (generally because of the former two reasons). The middle reason can probably be overcome in a year or two after we look a little less like college students. But, Searcy's not long term. Neither of us want a family in Searcy. Thus, by the time one comes about, we'll be ready to look for greener pastures.

But really, this whole thing wasn't to complain. Rather, it's to explain the kind of depression I've been in for the last few months. At one point, I think I reached the lowest I've been for sometime. Because I've been so lonely, I've expected Sean to be the perfect friend and fiance all at once. But with a (basically full-time) job, school, social life, planning the wedding, and trying to deal with me, I could tell he just didn't know what to do with me anymore. And what I was doing wasn't fair to anyone, especially someone with that much on their plate.

So after a few words exchanged, I decided to make a change.

I decided that I was going to start going to the gym. That at least if I was doing something for my body to look and feel a little better, the least I can do is that. And then I started yoga classes at work. And really, after all of this, I haven't lost anything. But I'm doing something about something making me unhappy. And that in return makes me happy.

So I'm happy. I'm lonely enough, but at least I'm more at ease with it.